Rolex Presidential

The goods: An obscenely expensive watch

Value: $35,000

Victim: 66-year-old hotel guest Kenneth Herold

Culprit: 25-year-old “masseuse” Christina Lafave

When/where it went down: January/Wynn hotel suite

Long story short: During a massage Herold’s watch disappeared. Wynn security and Metro were called. Lafave reportedly confessed that she’d hidden the watch, which had to be removed at University Medical Center.

Where it got stashed: Lafave’s vagina

Bottom line: She’ll appear before a judge in May, accused of grand larceny and possession of stolen property, with a max sentence of 20 years.

Quips from the news: “Next time you receive a $35K Rolex from a client, stick it in your purse, not your vagina.” —abovethelaw.com

Ol' Dillo

The goods: A famous stuffed critter

Value: Priceless

Victim: Country music icon Willie Nelson

Culprit: Unknown man who “looked hungover” and possibly wears a size 13 shoe

When/where it went down: Last week/Westin Lake Las Vegas stage

Long story short: Ol’ Dillo was nabbed during Nelson’s show, who posted on the critter’s Facebook page that no questions would be asked upon its safe return. The next day, a man pulled up to the Westin valet and handed something out the window. The note read: Please return to Willie Nelson. Very important!!

Where it got stashed: Nike shoebox

Bottom line: Someone has a clear conscience (and selfies that really, really want to be posted).

Quips from the news: “‘I’m back,’ Dillo reported on his Facebook page. ‘The showgirls were nice.’” —billboard.com